Thursday, January 16, 2014

TOP 10: "It DOES matter who U marry"

Recently I saw a  popular blog post called "It matters who you marry"  While it was pretty good, I did not agree with all of it.

Most people must love it,  however.  It is being expanded into a book in March.  You can view this blog here:

It seems to be written for a kind of a youth group audience- which actually is a good idea for youth group kids to be thinking about this stuff. 

My objections mostly come in the area of worrying how your beloved will provide for you.  When I was ga-ga over my husband to be, I was not worrying whether he would be the next Donald Trump, or a Doctor, Lawyer, or Indian Chief.

I figured we would provide for each other, I the best way we could, doing that together.  Which we have for the last 34 years.

What in the CAT HAIR could be better than that?

Becoming missionaries kind of ruled out the "Donald Trump" aspect of things-

 although my hunny did become a Dr., it did not really translate into more cash for us:)
But we have provided just fine for each other and our kids...

Mostly the above was a good blog post

You guessed it-

I have something much better!
Not written by me.

Dr. Tim wrote the below in reasoning with his oldest daughter one day long ago as she was throwing a mini tantrum. Anna was dating a great guy (her future husband) and was lamenting the possible loss of her Independent-Christian-Feminist "self".  In reality it was fear.  The fear we all feel in pondering possible marriage.

His response should be parlayed into a book or a fab movie or a talk show, but probably never will. With it he assured her that Matt was exactly what she needed. 

AND she still remains her Independent-Christian-Feminist "self", 4 years later. (even though she is married and has a baby:)
From the pen of the wisest man I know.
TOP 10! "It DOES matter who U marry"

1.Look for a selfless, considerate man who shows you respect and honor at every opportunity.  Guys who are self-absorbed jerks in their twenties are usually self-absorbed jerks in their thirties…sixties…and always.  If being an inconsiderate, rude baby works…gee…most guys will just go with it. Unfortunately, too many women put up with this kinda crap or they think they will change the guy.  Realistically, speaking as somebody in the change business…it's darn hard to get change even out of a motivated person.  It's nearly impossible to get change out of an unmotivated person.  Never waste your time on a project even one who seems loaded with potential.  If you need a project, buy a fixer upper house.  Find a man who is respectful, kind and knows how to treat a woman with honor.

2.Look for a man who fears of the Lord.  Find out if he truly understands the fear of the Lord.  Most Christians don't.  But you'll know if he really knows Christ if he can articulate his fear of Him.  To really know the Lord is to genuinely fear Him.  Warm fuzziness toward the Lord is as deficient as cool headiness.  A man who truly knows the Most High will fear Him.  If a man doesn't fear the Lord…he won't have appropriate fear in his relationship with you.  He needs to fear you, baby.  It's a good thing.  Shoot…you need to find a man that inspires fear in you too.

3.Look for a man who loves the Lord with passion and creativity.  This one should be fairly obvious.  If he loves Christ with his total attention and devotion and adoration…he will also know how to love you in the same ways.  I see too many crappy husbands who offer shallow and mechanical love to the Lord and their wives.  They love minimally with no passion.  A man who loves with consideration and knowledge and creativity and cleverness and effort and tenacity and determined thoughtfulness is rare.  A man should be passionate about you.  If he truly knows you…he will respond with appropriate enthusiasm.  You want a man who is zealous for your heart.  He is motivated to greater acts of love by the increasing knowledge of your soul.  If you find such a man…do not ignore him. 

4.Look for a man who is generous with his heart, his attention, his possessions and his affection.  A stingy cheap man is an abomination to the Lord.  I see many cheap and withholding men in my office all week long.  They love their darned computers and pitiful bank accounts more than they love God or their wives.  Do not commit yourself to a selfish stingy person.  A man who gives freely and joyfully is a godly man.  He reflects the heart of the Living God.  A grudging attitude toward giving and serving is a real bad sign.

5.Look for a man who knows who he is and remembers where he came from.  All of us are nothing without Christ.  Make sure the guy understands that concept…I mean really gets it.  Many say it…but few truly apprehend that truth.  A man who forgets what he was saved from is a foolish man.  He will think too highly of himself.  A humble man views himself with sober judgment.  He knows his strengths and he knows his weaknesses.  He knows that he needs the Lord.  A fool thinks he had something to do with his success.  A humble man knows that he isn't even in control of his own heart beat or his next step on his life's journey. 

6.Look for a man who is not afraid to work hard.  A lazy man is a weak man.  You look for someone who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty.  Look for someone who isn't concerned about who does what or how much.  A strong man does what he has to do…as unto the Lord.  A lazy weak man does as little as possible to get by.  A man of God obeys the Scripture that says that whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your strength…especially when no one is watching. 

7.Look for a man who appreciates quality.  A man who understands quality will fall in love with your heart and will cherish it forever.  A man who doesn't know the difference in quality on an earthly level probably won't recognize the treasures of knowing the heart of God.  He won't see you as a treasure either.  You are a quality woman, sweetie.  You look for a man who recognizes your value.  He has to know quality when he see it.  If he doesn't know the difference between good and better and best…he isn't worthy of you.  He has to want the best and will not settle for less. The insistence on quality is important.  That caviler "close enough" or "good enough" attitude is not acceptable.   

8.Look for an honest man.  You cannot be in a close relationship with someone who hedges on the truth.  If you catch him in lies…run.  A dishonest man cannot be trusted.  You have to be able to depend on this person.  If he says he'll do it…he needs to do it.  If he says one thing and does another…don't look back.  If you have to "decode" what he says or translate it in terms of "what he really means"…let him go.  Realistically, "a man's word is his bond."  That's old school…but it's important.  If he is not a man of his word…he won't be a man of God's Word.  If he doesn't cherish and abide by his own word, he won't value and revere the Word of the Lord.  The Scripture is the Word of Truth. The Lord's Word is a big deal to Him.  His Word is Truth. That's Who He is.  If a man doesn't live out the truth in his own words…he's not worthy of you.

9.Look for a man who doesn't take himself too darn seriously.  Life gets pretty crazy…humor is not optional.  A man needs a sense of humor to keep things in perspective especially in terms of being able to laugh at himself.  If he sees irony in his own experience he probably has a sober view of himself.  If he can enjoy the funny turns of a phrase or an event…he can understand the cleverness of God.  The Lord is funny.  He isn't silly but He is darn quick on the draw.  The slow, dull witted, serious person does not reflect or appreciate the glory of the Lord.  And he sure isn't any fun.

10.Finally, I really believe a man needs to have a sense of his name.  You know how it is in the Word, honey.  A man's name is the description of his character.  A man needs to be covetous of what his name stands for.  I think I'm talking about integrity here.  The Lord does not allow His Name to be taken lightly…for good reason.  His Name represents Who He is.  We handle the Name with respect and caution…rightfully so.  A man should protect the meaning of his name.  He has to be aware of what people associate with his name.  I always had a funny name that was hard to pronounce.  But when people hear it…I hope it means something that accurately reflects the nature of my Lord.

So girls-get on out there, sniff around.

Don't settle for less than these top 10.

Stay single if that's  best for you.

But if there is someone who seems to pass the test:

Let the nuptials begin!


Sunday, January 5, 2014


I like the Duggars......

you know.... that "nice" Christian family who have made a decent living recently by being pretty darn nice on TLC Network.  I believe they are sincere and sweet people.
Recently my daughter alerted me to a blog where the mom in another big, loveable, sincere and sweet Christian family dispenses marriage advice faster than Pez can belch out teensy rock candies.
In the below post- this self proclaimed, (a little in your face) stay-at-home-and-darn-proud-of-it-mom reminds all we wives of our wifely duties. 
 In a kind of: "follow this frappin formula or your marriage is doomed".... way.
to be completely honest with you, what she says does not bug me that much.... 
Aside from some of the sappy "stepford-wives" ish , "I just threw up in my mouth a little"  ones, (ie #9 smile at him, #18 keep the house tidy")
Most of what she says is probably over-simplified and a little trite.  Marriage is complicated at best, tender, and actually not susceptible to "pull-a-rabbit-out-of-your-hat" magical formulas. 
Some of what this author asserts with over-confidence is not terrible "advice". For the hubby AND the wife!
Especially if we do the obvious and FLIP IT:)
 Let me give you a few of my favorite ones to reverse:
#2Honor Her Wishes
Give weight to what your wife thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to her, whether it’s having dinner ready when she gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make her ask twice.
#3Give Her Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that men are masters of multi-tasking, (NOT) but when your wife is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into her eyes, and listen to what she is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering her words.
#17Dress to Please Her
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your wife finds flattering, both in public and around the house.
#14Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my wife, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my wife that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything she says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house she’s working in, just to be close to her, because I enjoy her company, even when neither of us is talking.
#10Respond Physically Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your wife's romantic overtures has a profound effect on her self-confidence? Don’t slap her away when she tries to hug you or make excuses when she’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure her of your love, but will make her feel well-respected, too.
Ok kids, I think you are catching my drift:)
 What is good for the goose is definitely super good for the gander... 
Here is a sidebar for you:
The last 10 years many Christian authors have made a boatload of cash writing about how
women want LOVE
and men want RESPECT. 
We all want love AND respect.
 I will stake my not perfect but pretty darn good marriage of 34 years on that statement.
 My marriage is tender. We are both tenacious.
 My hunny still thinks I am the most fascinating person he has ever met:)
He is still my hero:)
Enough said about that.
NOW:  lets get down to what really bugs me about this nice "loving life at home" blogger. 
 The Duggars are nice folks.
This blogger is a nice lady.
This however, does not mean we all should have 19 or 20  or whatever kids ( I have lost track now) And not all of us can make our living by being sweet and nice on TLC.  
By the same token, not many of us can lead a pristine, charmed and entitled life where we do oodles of scrapbooking. (YIKES)
Budgeting tips, homeschooling input, parenting wisdom and marriage advice from an educated person with massive resources and a husband's huge income... is hard for many to relate to. 
 The mom living in the projects working 2 jobs while her husband is in prison can't relate.
Meti, my friend in Papua New Guinea while we lived there, can't relate.  She is busy trying to get enough food from her garden daily to feed her family.
The blueprint of this author's "life" is only attainable for a few wealthy, well-educated and probably white Americans. Probably 1% of the world's population.
Please don't get me wrong- this author is doing what she feels called to do- ( she could probably be the CEO of a fortune 500 Company) but it seems many times when those not as "fortunate" try to emulate, it is....
more complicated.
Stay at home moms and wives are wonderful.
Working moms  and wives are wonderful.
I have done both, and both are.... you guessed it,
I wish this particular blogger well- I hope she makes lots of cash on her new book. 
And I hope she gives it all to charity.
As for those fabulous Duggars~ enough kids already!
Just Sayin...